Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Hurrah.



Hey look, my first cover story for City Paper. Grab it out of an bright orange honor box near you. Many, many thanks to the entire CP staff for helping me not go insane. To read up on artist Daniel Heyman, the subject of the story, go here. Dude is tremendous.

Don't cut 'em no slack



At Target, OG Ninja Turtles have their own aisle marker. Eat it, Dragon Flyz.


Please justify the existence of the following action figures in the comments. Thank you.


Johnny Cash
Chuck D.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Wally Szczerbiak

If any Celtic deserves his own action figure, it's
Delonte West.

The FDR toy is missing a vital accessory.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

If you liked If God Loves Me, Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?...



Doesn't dude on the right look like an Aryan Kyle MacLachlan?

I'm half-watching the Oscars right now. Will Smith's son seems like a complete prick. I bet he doesn't hold doors, pull out chairs or go easy on the swears. Also, he can't read. He's stupid.

According to the bossblog, James Cameron claims he's discovered the remains of Jesus Christ. I have no idea why I haven't heard about this yet, but the story seems to have originated at Time's Middle East blog. Peruse the comments at your own risk. Personal favorites: "So does this mean that it's nothing more than a cruci-fiction?" (is that you, Bruce Vilanch?) and the contributions of user "Believer," who copied and pasted the phrase "FUCK JAMES CAMERON HE LICKS HIS MOTHERS PROLAPSED ANUS" about 100 times in a row.

........


Amazing things seem to happen in Wisconsin. Like, you'll come home drunk and pop in some Spanish porn, and your neighbor will hear it and think you're murdering someone, so he'll kick in your door and try to stab you with a sword. Things like that. (thanks Kyle)

Clearly-from-South-Philly St. Joe's student gets beaten down by a cab driver, provides wonderful quotes: "He comes over to me, grabs my hand, puts it on the car and starts punching me in the face...he weighs about 280 pounds; I weigh about 135. I was like, 'Uh, I hope this guy stops punching me in the head, you know, because it is ridiculous.'" God bless ya, Pasquale.

The Ravens have signed Brian Billick through 2010. People in Baltimore either love or hate this dude, but I don't really feel strongly about him either way. I do think, however, that turning to Sun Tzu's The Art of War to motivate your players is kinda presumptuous. We all know you're well-read, Bri. Don't rub it in.

Origins of the gyroball revealed. Japan got scientists for errythang.

Surprise: Suze Orman has never had sex with a man. Yeah, not surprised either. Her cheekbones can turn people into stone. In the event that a person is already made of stone, her cheekbones can make the stone person 25 to 30 percent more stony.

M.O.P. is licensing one of their singles to the NBA. Anything to ease the immense pain inflicted by the Pussycat Dolls.

Two gems courtesy of Nick Norlen: MacGyverisms (the source link, devastatingly, is dead) and Monty Python's classic dead parrot sketch reenacted by Nigerian e-mail scammers.

If I ever release an album, I will use this picture as cover art. It also has tremendous potential as crappy Photoshop fodder.

I've had this bookmarked forever: Tiny Mix Tapes' brilliant review of Nine Inch Nails' With Teeth.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

The number...WHAT DOES IT MEAN?


(cred)

I'm this old today. Weird. Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes. Also, I'm still at work. Goddammit.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Nonlinear Thoughts on LOST II



- Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Desmond, looks a bit like a young Dustin Hoffman when he's cleanshaven and has his hair slicked back.

- It's almost always a copout to say that any guy with long hair, a beard and a comely swimmer's build resembles Jesus, especially since Christ probably looked exactly like Oded Fehr. Cusick, however, played the Messiah in 2003's The Gospel of John, so I won't bitch if you want to rock the comparison.

- Dude is also half Peruvian.

- I've always been a fan of the whole freak-accident-bringing-out-latent-ability device (Exhibit A), so I was alright with Desmond being plagued with visions of the future after getting shwasted and falling off a ladder. But then later, he gets whacked in the head with a cricket bat, with seemingly no effect on his gift/curse. I didn't see the point. We already knew that he was a hardheaded Scottish bastard. Michelle, who is much smarter than me, explained that him getting thwacked in the gourd transported him back to island after he already got transported back to his former life after turning the key on the island. Or something. I'm very, very dumb. I'm not trying to be the guy who doesn't get Donnie Darko or anything, but for the love of astral planes, is anyone else out there slightly confused by this? Anyone?

- Due to extenuating napcumstances, I was forced to watch this episode at the accursed ABC.com. If you've never had the displeasure, the already-eye-straining viewing experience is regularly interrupted by ads ruthlessly targeted at a particular show's target demographic, e.g. Desperate Housewives features spots for K-Y Personal Warming Lubricant. Uh, or so I've heard. Anywho, LOST was rife with those little people BK Stackers Union ads. Strangely, the browser also featured blinkety links advertising Stacker action figures, little tiny toy versions of the little tiny actors. Seems degrading, no? Especially after all the progress Warwick Davis has made in the field of little people rights. Let's grow together, y'all. Well...you know what I mean.

- Since this was a Desmond episode, I was twitching at the prospect of learning just how he and Libby were connected (last year's finale revealed that she provided Desmond the boat that crashlanded him on the island). Of course, no dice. But I did come across this teaser, courtesy of Grand Moff Lindelof:

There's really one significant missing piece to Libby's story. We saw in the season finale last year that she met with Desmond, she gave him his boat, and we know that her husband died — and then we know that subsequent to that, she spent some time in a mental institution, the same one as Hurley. The question the audience wants answered is, How did she get from A to B — from Desmond to the mental institution? We know the answer to that question, but the only way to tell that story is through another character's flashback, and that character would have to be another character on the show who is not among the beach dwellers.

Ooh. Paging Teri Garr...

- Weird tidbit via Lostpedia: Admiral McCutcheon (the fictional man for whom this episode's ooh-symbolic whiskey is named) is a character in a TV remake of 20000 Leagues Under the Sea. The production also starred Mr. Eko as Cabe Attucks (no Crispus). And Michael Caine. And Patrick Dempsey.

- After watching him blow up Bruce Willis' automated turret minivan in a TV neuter of The Jackal, I've been on some 'need more DDK in my life' type shit.

- How does Claire suddenly have bangs?

NEXT WEEK EPISODE: Jack's in a cage. Meaning behind his crappy Chinese character tattoos revealed. Jack's in another cage. Shorthaired chick who got kidnapped in season one makes apologetic googly eyes at him through the bars.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Look for me



I'll be around.

Coming soon to a bookstore near you: the latest issue of DIW Magazine, featuring my story on LCD Soundsystem's James Murphy. Love that cover.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Nonlinear Thoughts on LOST II Dammit.



Whoops. Slept through LOST. Until I catch some streaming K-Y Jelly Personal Warming Lubricant ads the episode online, please enjoy this fake Matthew Fox death notice/obituary thing my cousin Connie wrote for her journalism class at Georgetown. Apparently, her sister read it and thought it was real. Oh, Cristy.
Please disregard the exclusion of Fox's cameo in Smokin' Aces.

********

Matthew Fox, star of ABC hit series
Lost, drowned yesterday morning in a surfing accident a mile off the northern coast of Oahu, Hawaii, his publicist said in a statement released to the press.

Although he shared the 2006 Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble, Fox was ostensibly at the forefront of the
Lost cast, and was heavy into shooting the series' third season when he decided to take advantage of a rare day off by testing the inviting waves off Mokuleia Beach. Castmates explained that Fox picked up the hobby when the series debuted in 2004, and he had been surfing ever since. Intense wipeouts are part of the game, but this day was different.

Northern Shore locals were used to seeing Fox, who would often stop by the beach during breaks in filming. They describe him as always friendly and a naturally good surfer. "He was surfing near the bend, and suddenly, the wave folded in on him," says fisherman Otith Malaw, who witnessed the incident. "He was thrown against the rocks, and the surfboard must have cracked, because I saw it come up in two pieces. I couldn't see what happened to Matthew."

Born July 14, 1966 in Crowheart, Wyoming, Matthew Fox graduated from Columbia University and worked briefly as a model before he started acting in 1992. After attending the School for Film and Television in New York, Fox's breakout role came in the mid-90s when he starred in the critically acclaimed
Party of Five. For six years, he won over millions of viewers every week as Charlie Salinger, the angst-ridden older brother charged with the task of caring for his orphaned siblings.

Fox recently finished filming
We Are Marshall, a movie based on a 1970 plane crash that claimed the lives of almost the entire Marshall University football team. But Fox's best-known role to date was his portrayal of Dr. Jack Shepard, reluctant leader of the Lost castaways.

Directors for his film and television projects declined to state whether the actor's untimely death will affect current release dates or production schedules. "First, we're going to go to Matthew's funeral to pay our respects," said Lost executive producer Damon Lindeloff. "His family needs time to mourn. His friends, and this includes all the cast members because they were such a tight bunch, need time to mourn. We'll see where we are after that."

"It still hasn't sunk in," said series creator J.J. Abrams. "It's not that we've lost an integral part of the cast, but more that we lost a close friend. Matthew was someone we all considered family."

Fox is survived by his wife, Margarita Ronchi, and his two children, Kyle and Byron. A private funeral is planned for this weekend. Although specifics have not been verified, sources close to the family report that Ronchi plans to release her husband's ashes into the waters of Waikiki Beach, a favorite place surf spot and location of couple's honeymoon.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Kids these days

Overheard at Facebook's FCUK fan group ("For those people who love French Connection!"):












Monday, February 12, 2007

Fries, Rain O'er Me



Pretty much every female in my life, including my girlfriend, is obsessed with Sam "Sexy Diabetic" Talbot, the Top Chef contestant who was sketchily ousted in favor of Marcel and eventual victor Ilan, who totally looks like he works at Bar Ferdinand. This New York Magazine log of Sam's weekly eating habits really isn't that interesting, but its saving grace is this ridiculous photo, which my boss made her desktop image about .5 seconds after I sent her the link. But oh, the irony: since Sam is diabetic, he totally shouldn't eat fries, as high-glycemic-index foods like potatoes can increase insulin resistance and have a deleterious effect on blood sugar levels. Thank God he has that brolly.

I was watching a Two-A-Days episode centered around Hoover High playing a game against archrivals Vestavia, a school infamous for gulliness borderline inappropriate gamesmanship. They upheld said reputation by making Hoover use a storage shed as a locker room and putting a bunch of manure under the bleachers of the visitor's section, a move that inspired what might be be the greatest Alabama football dad quote of all time: "I knew they had no class, but I didn't know how much no class." Consider it lexiconed.

For some reason, Googling the phrase "two a days" kicks in the search engine's calculator function, which offers this John Nash shit:

2.31481481 × 10-5 hertz

If you solve the equation, you can find out how may visors Rush Propst buys on a typical trip to The Sports Authority, America's first place for sports.

Be sure to check Kung Fu Cinema's just-debuted Electric Shadows, a blog focused on the early days of Hong Kong cinema. Dear God, it's me, Drew: if you don't want me spend all my time geeking out in lieu of getting work done, why do you allow amazing shit like this to be?

So Grant Hill's out with a knee injury. He better watch out for that shit--it could negatively impact his career if he's not careful.

The origins of Gatorade dunking revealed.

Excellent commentary on YouTube, uh, commenters. (Thanks Pat)

Great people have great websites: click away to visit Adam Pietras, tattoo artist extraordinaire (yes, those are motherfucking breakdancing robots) and Ryan Beck's Ryan Beck Art dot com, which is really fun to say out loud. Ryan Beck Art dot com. Ryan Beck Art dot com. Ryan Beck Art dot com. Do yourself a solid and make it your personal mantra.

The coach of Washington State's basketball team is named Tony Bennett.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Nonlinear Thoughts on LOST



DISCLAIMER: This won't make any sense to sane people who aren't unhealthily obsessed with LOST. For those of you who are: the same applies.

- Elizabeth Mitchell's terrifying turn in Running Scared was the only redeeming quality of that malfunctioning pinball machine Sour Punch Straw hangover of a fucking movie. The image above is not a screencap from the film, but it's just as terrifying.

- Via flashback, we learn that Mitchell's character Juliet (who wears a lot of mom shirts) was a research doctor making headway in the field of impregnating stuff. In passing, it's revealed that she succeeded in knocking up a male field mouse; later, she succeeds in knocking up her sister. So, assuming that her sister does give birth to the child in a later episode, Juliet will be the kid's aunt AND his or her Gattaca father. S'fucked up. My guess: the baby will be Mr. Eko, but as a baby. A white baby.

- It was fun watching It's Always Sunny creator and The Prep alum Rob McElhenney get speared by Sawyer. For non-residents: Philly's a weird place where an already notable actor's two-second cameo on another show merits a 400-plus-word column (complete with phoned-in headline) in the Daily News.

- While it's unfortunate for the one dude Karl, drum and bass really is the best music for brainwashing.

- The new Taco Bell ad with the stoner lions isn't really that funny, but after reading something as inane as this, I consider it high satire.

- So, Juliet knew Tom Cruise's cousin before ending up on the island. Who didn't?

- Juliet's ex-husband getting owned by a bus -- after she jokingly alluded to as much in front of sketchy Mediterranean dude who was trying to recruit her -- seemed to be a testament to The Others' ruthless tactology and/or their closeknit relationship with public transportation workers' unions. At least I hope so. I'm going to be pissed if she ends up possessing some form of precognitive ability. They've already got Desmond. And there can be only one.

- A recap that's actually informative.

- ABC.com's LOST Survival Guide. I apologize in advance if the Applebee's commercial pops up.

NEXT WEEK: Claire makes the gas face. Kate fires an archaic rifle. Sayid's hair gets wet.

Monday, February 05, 2007

It was only a matter of time



The headline, I mean.