Saturday, July 29, 2006

Write your own caption.

















Or, what are Bruce and Chong Li thinking?

Friday, July 28, 2006

Reef The Lost Cauze, "The Sound Of Philadelphia"



Hey, there's my apar...no, that's not my apartment. Nevermind.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Trapper's One



(Graham, who created the original TJ image we all know and love, was kind enough to whip up this birthday version for me. Graham is the Takeru Kobayashi of Photoshop.)

Yup...today marks one year of Trapper Juan. Here's my very first post. I've made an effort to stop rambling so much. It's strange to note how much stuff has changed:

- A year ago, I had just started writing for Okayplayer. Here's my first review; again, I've learned to (somewhat) curtail the ramble. Since that time, the editor who brought me on quit, and I somehow managed to summon the ire of Pumpkinhead fans across the land. All four of them. (Just for the record, I still think Pumpkinhead's album sucks.) It was through here that I ended up writing a little bit for Rockpile. I still do stuff for OKP here and there. Ginny, that review I owe you is seriously coming, I swear.

- A year ago, I was still deciding whether or not I should apply for an internship with City Paper. In fact, this blog played a small role in me landing said internship. Here's my first CP article. I somehow managed to parlay my experience into a pretty regular freelance hustle, including some work with the excellent DIW and a weekly gig as a restaurant columnist. Who knew? I certainly didn't. My food knowledge has increased...slightly. For example, thanks to David Ansill, I now know what osso bucco is. Grazie, Dave.

- If you Googled my name a year ago (don't front like you ain't Googled yourself), you'd find stuff like the 2002 results from the Chattanooga Area Swim League (apparently, I tallied a paltry 10 points for the woeful 0-4 Hamilton Club) and the Myspace of a band called Meriwether that features separate members named "Drew" and "Lazor." Now, my crap writing appears sporadically on sites ranging from Sonny Boy's to Harrah's to Wang Newton's. Weird.

Okay, so maybe stuff hasn't changed all that much. Still, I feel pretty good about my accomplishments, however modest they may be. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank the people who have helped me grow over the past year, professionally or otherwise. Y'all are truly great. And, of course, thank you to the people who read this poor excuse for a blog, even though I know most of you accidentally come here while searching for pictures of Juelz Santana or Constance Marie topless or whatever.

Here's to a year of terrible captions, cluttered thoughts, stolen bandwidth, unintelligible backpack-rap releases, poorly structured opinion pieces, kitty pictures, forced movie references and categorically presumptuous hotlinking.

And, last but not least...gratuitous YouTube content embeddage. Thanks again--seriously. Cheers.



(Madge Sinclair = fine.)

Friday, July 21, 2006

Bikini Kill



This fella, one Louis Reard, invented the bikini 60 years ago this month. "A bikini is not a bikini unless it can be pulled through a wedding ring," he once quipped. Dear Louis, you are the dude. We salute you. And your Morty Seinfeld glasses.

Can someone please buy me the The Unofficial MacGyver How-To Handbook? It's a revised second edition, too.

I'm sure some of you have dreamed of becoming "YouTube famous," and let me assure you that there's nothing wrong with thinking big. It's just that some people I know are doing it bigger than others. Take, for example, my buddy Murtaugh (no relation to Danny Glover from Lethal Weapon), whose alcohol-induced, expletive-ridden tirade against some dumb WVU blonde makes for uber-pleasing viewage. Then, there's Oh My Todd, whose wealth of MySpace friends and kiddie-shirt-rocking prowess is matched only by his ability to appear in an oft-aired Comcast commercial. I saw that shit about a million times before realizing it was him. You can also catch a shot of Todd's head in Lady In The Water, which everyone hated but I really liked.

Philly's Icon The Mic King recently got himself into a pretty bad bike accident, which he chronicled here, complete with harrowing pictures. Sorry about that, man: get well soon.

Nick, my favorite contestant from last year's Project Runway (shut up, you know you watch it) is doing episode recaps for People online. "Meanwhile, Vincent "My Model Has a Hat that Looks Like a UFO Made out of a Basket" got stuck with Angela "I Am an Organic Farmer Who Breeds Gowns Instead of Cows." From the beginning, they were repelling like Diana Eng's magnets (remember her from last season?)!" Ah, classic Nick. I love that guy.

I wanted to point out the upcoming Skip Williamson retrospective at Trinity Art Gallery beginning August 4. Skip is the dude.

Doesn't this sound like the coolest multiplayer video game ever? Not that I'd play it. That shit's for the birds.

CP, all day:

Not by me: a great Q&A with crossword genius Matt Gaffney.
Dragon Gate Wrasslin'
"BooBies" (originally mentioned here)
One Track Mind: Mars Volta, "Viscera Eyes"

Who's got the best fries in Philly?



Holler at an inquiring mind.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

The motherload.



If you know me, you know that I'm obsessed with MacGyver. Seriously obsessed. I watched the show religiously as a kid, much to the chagrin of my dad, who argued that it was unrealistic that a man with such a mastery of empirical processes also possessed a gorgeous mane. I generally agreed with him, but stayed quiet about it due to the fact that I secretly wished MacGyver was my father.

I have the first three seasons on DVD, and I'm upset by the fact that I don't yet own four through six, because that's when Murdoc starts showing up. Also, I had a shitty Muzak version of the MacGyver theme song as my ringtone for about a year. Since that phone was accidentally put through a wash cycle broke, I've been unable to locate this tone, and it breaks my little biracial heart.

Ah yes: I recently had a bonafide MacGyver moment of my own. And it fucking ruled. At 4am, after returning home from dropping off a friend, I realized Michelle had locked the chain on the door from the inside, making my entry impossible. Or so I thought. After several failed attempts at pushing the chain off its track with my keys, a rolled-up flier and a marker (don't ask me why I had a marker), the gears in my head started turning...slowly. "WWRDAD?" I wondered. Out loud. Fuck it all, it was 4am.

Suddenly, it hit me, like a dinner cart propelled by the force of several devalved liquid nitrogen tanks. I removed one of my shoelaces, reached behind the door, and tied a knot through one of the chain's links. Then, I looped the shoelace on top of the door, shut it almost completely, and yanked it lengthwise. The chain came undone, and I rushed into my apartment like a champ. I attempted to wake up Michelle to inform her of my exploits, but she didn't seem that impressed. I later learned that she had locked the chain because she was pissed at me.

All of these things considered, it's straight-up blasphemous that I never thought to search YouTube for MacGyver-related clips. Until now. Embedded below are just a few of the treasure-in-National Treasure-caliber things I discovered. I'm saving the rest for a rainy day that will most likely take place tomorrow next week. Brace for the smooth taste.



This clip is one of the main reasons why I would totally vote Mac in 2008. He cares about us, so much so that he wants to us to be ready for diarrhea.



Here's just one of a series of advertisements RDA did for some Taiwanese sports drink. It's entirely obvious that he does not know tai chi, but I doubt that the Taiwanese gave a rip--it's all about the white sweatpants/white socks/white sneakers combination, y'all.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Forever...

When you're friends with Matt Siwek, the Ken Jennings of Full House trivia (seriously, ask the kid anything*), the hits just keep on coming.



Inspired by
this. And, subsequently, this.

(*Feel free to post ANY Full House question in the comments section. I'm almost--nay--absolutely certain that Siwek can answer it.)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Bits 'n' Pizzas

For years, La Salle University's Student Union food court had a stand called "Dual Carbs." It offered crappy, greasy, undercooked pizza and sketchy dinner fare like potatoes au gratin and pre-frozen "crab cakes."

When the Atkins craze landed, "Dual Carbs" went the way of the leopard print scrunchie/brontosaurus, and the nervous breakdown-inducing "Bits 'n' Pizzas" was ushered in. Their pizza, of course, continued to suck. Today's post possesses a tad of BnP
espirit, however, as this portion consists of a random samplage of weird shit friends have sent me recently. Thanks to everyone.


Zizou headbutt. Medium: Legos. (courtesy of Nick Norlen)

- Wilford Brimley & Diabeetis: it's the motherfuckin' remix! (courtesy of Kyle; Part 1; created here)

- Johns Hopkins 'shrooms study is a resounding success. Two-thirds of participants ranked the experience "one of the five top most meaningful experiences of their lives"..."I think it's time to pick up this research field," says some labcoat. Totally, bro. I'm on The Wall duty. (courtesy of Gerard)

- A Texas school district bans grillz (yes, they spell it like that), infringing upon a student's divine right to cause a cold front when he/she takes a deep breath. What's more shocking--the fact that 69 percent of poll voters cast a "thumbs down" to grillz, or this? Is that you, Hilary Duff? (courtesy of Caitlyn)

- Action Cats! Ignore all the disturbing comments ("I love it, beats collecting beanies any day!") and just watch it. My favorite is "Laser Gal," for obvious reasons. (courtesy of Kibby)

- Notes on "Sweet Child O' Mine," as Delivered to Axl Rose by His Editor. "You'd hide in a place that reminded you of hair? Never show me such phrases again." (courtesy of Kibby)

- Cherry Hill's idyllic Utopia Exotic Suites, complete with J. Peterman-esque room writeups. I recommend reading all of them. (courtesy of...Kibby. Wait, shouldn't you be helping the youth find employment or something?)

********

Michelle does more crossword puzzles than Mike Mussina, so the Inky comics section is always quick-glance accessible. Every day, I ask her if Family Circus is funny. And every day, she answers the same way: no. Of course it's not fucking funny. It's the worst one-panel in the history of the artform, so much so that I often dream up sordid captions to replace Bil Keane's crap dialogue, which he still totally concocts on a Truman-era typewriter in his musty den. Long story short, I'm glad someone else feels the same way.

Ever since I mentioned it in a comment the other day, I've grown quite nostalgic over
Hugo's House of Horrors, a game I purchased on 3.5" disk for like, five bucks at my childhood video rental store in shitty bucolic Harford County, Maryland. I freaked when I discovered that I could download not just the first, but all three Hugo titles at the DOS Games Archive, for free. I love the Internet. I highly recommend that everyone get the game and play it. It's brilliant.

Chuck Klosterman manages to turn a column on Snakes On A Plane into a thinkpiece on feedbag populism. "True story: My friend Jenny is in law school, and one of her classmates went to a movie in April. When the coming attractions started, the first image was of dozens of unsuspecting plane passengers sitting in the cabin of an airborne 757. The moment he saw this, the mischievous law student yelled, "Snakes on a plane!" presumably to amuse and unify the other patrons. Unfortunately, this turned out to be a trailer for United 93, which significantly reduced the hilarity of his outburst."

Your boy's at it again, soiling this week's City Paper with refuse disguised as acceptable copy:

- Get pizza and beer at the same time, Rahzel-like.
- Get confused by the Late Cord's "My Most Meaningful Relationships Are With Dead People."
- Get, uh...transmuted (?) at Philly's upcoming Alchemy Conference.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

????????

You ever notice how, online, Japanese characters always come up looking like the title of this post? I initially thought that it was just because we have different font sets and keyboards and all, but now I'm convinced it's because no one outside Japan knows what the fuck is going on over there.

Yeah, yeah, Japanese TV is weird. But this...




There's a bunch more translated footage
here, and here' s a Wiki page I found about dude. Neither really help me understand.

Also, really sorry if anyone finds this offensive, because it kinda is.


Uh, read below for today's actual update.

Deep in the cell of my heart


"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go lick myself
and
make a mixtape with 'Asleep' on it twice."

On the record:
Stuff On My Cat is brilliant.

Untitled Courteney Cox Project: "A Southern socialite (Cox) struggles to adjust to her daughter's embracing of hip-hop culture. " It doesn't say who's playing the daughter. (Thandie Newton?) I only hope that she listens to some gangster shit like Scarface or 8-Ball & MJG. That'd be so much more tolerable than watching her doing the Joc-In at a debutante dance or something. Who's willing to bet that Sean Patrick Thomas is somehow involved with this?

Speaking of hip-hop culture (note to self: buy Ecko backpack), does anyone else get the impression that the
Philadelphia Weekly lays on the "for my peoples" shit just a little too thick sometimes? Case in point: "Walk anywhere in this city, and it's clear Philly is on top of its fitted hat game." Tune in next week to read about how to get on top of your hegemony game.

I finally got my copy of
Tom Yum Goong in the mail yesterday, and it was well worth the money (I posted the most ridiculous clip back here). On the Wiki page, read the section entitled "bootleg version." That's the one I got. The English "subtitles" were so freaking brutal, I can't even fathom recreating them here.

All in all, the flick is carried solely by Tony Jaa's superhuman abilities. The plot is ridiculous (duh), and many of the fight scenes are overblown to unbelievable proportions: in one sequence, Jaa fights a gang of extreme...sorry, EXTREME! athletes comprised of rollerbladers, skaterboarders, BMXers, a dirt biker and a guy on an ATV. (There's also a near-Segway chase.)
Surge commercial notwithstanding, he manages to reign shock and awe upon all comers with a fighting style that's far less traditional than his swagger in Ong-bak.

One more tidbit about the movie that I found fascinating: the main baddie character is Madam Rose, a male-to-female transsexual. I did some clicking around, and learned that not only is
Jin Xing a transsexual in real life, she is a world-class dancer and owner of the renowned Shanghai Ballet. Since I've done some work covering the TG community in Philly, I have a decent understanding of what they can sometimes go through; that's why it's surprising, and refreshing, that someone like Xing can work at such a high level in a notoriously stringent country like the People's Republic. Kudos.

Ryan Howard (and awkward period piece headline reference), ladies and gentlemen. (via this Clog post, written by brother-from-another Brian Howard)



Much love to
Dallas Penn for the look in his all-star themed blog rundown. I got Ozzie! (don't worry, I'm not going to call anyone a "fag"). In case you can't read my shitty screencap: "When this blogger isn't taking care of stray rescued animals he's reviewing kung fu flicks." It's true. My brain is too feeble tired to think of a snappy one-sentence bio for the boy DP, so please accept this picture of a Danny Glover-lookin' Andre Dawson as a token of my appreciation.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Boobies (for serious)


Tumbling Broads by Alana Bograd

Right now, I'm working on a lil' article about BooBies, a show running from Saturday, July 22 through Saturday, August 26 at the Falling Cow Gallery. It's a multimedia affair, with tons of different local artists "putting forth their own personal interpretation of the most celebrated component of the female form." The image above was one of my favorites, but I've only seen three so far, and the others were great as well. I'm really looking forward to checking the whole exhibit out--let me know if you want to come with. A portion of the proceeds from sales will be donated to the Linda Creed Breast Cancer Foundation, so it's a great cause all around.


And no, I'm not interested in this just because there's going to be a bunch of pictures of boobies. I can get those on the Interweb anytime I want.


I was seriously tired of the old template on here, so I changed it...to the same template. In a different color. Baby. Steps.


Read about the "full-on chick fight" that my good friend Adam was somehow caught in the middle of on July 4. "Thankfully, it didn't excalate into anything bigger, and I didn't drop my ice cream. It was a trip though. Definitely the closest I've ever been to a real girl fight." I'm pretty sure Adam was Wally Cleaver in a previous life. That's a good thing.


This past year, my alma mater went religious-context-crazy with the introduction of "The Affirmation," an undeniably vague mission statement of sorts that "plays a strong role in bringing Lasallian values to the fore in the lives of our community and its members." Despite its non-stop pimping in the school newspaper I worked on, I never really gave it much thought. Recently, however, they've gone all KISS on us, merchandising the living crap out of it. Now, you can reflect on St. John Baptiste de la Salle's dedication to educating and inspiring the marginalized children of 18th-century France while you watch your little brother's Pop Warner football game or tote your dirty-ass clothes back to South Jersey for the weekend.


Kudos to one of my favorite former professors, KYW film critic Bill Wine, for using just two snippets of stereotypical pirate vernacular in his review of the new Pirates flick. Every other review I've read uses at least 12.


A few short CP articles from the last issue: Top 5 Bat-Shit Crazy Bartender Stories and a Why So Many? on My Fair Lady.


It's official: Nickelback is even lamer than you think. Hey, ohnotheydidnt: longtime lurker, first-time linker.


Press release I cooked up for La Salle.


This has been floating around there for awhile now, but Vai Sikahema is Jon Heder's uncle. Wrap your brain around that shit...hurts, don't it?

If you can't beat 'em...



I'm thoroughly convinced that every person in the world has posted this on a blog. Including those who do not run blogs/do not have computer access. And my dad. Resistance is futile.

Despite his effing awesome lapse in judgement, you have to appreciate the fact that he resisted the temptation to use his hands.

Actual update's in the works...in the meantime, enjoy one more gem mined from the international media blitzkrieg that is...Zizou headbutting a dude.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Gotta catch 'em all



I realize that posting a video that originated on eBaum's World months ago is likely considered a massive clipsterati faux pas, but I enjoyed this too much to let it spoil in the doldrums of my bookmark list/friends' MySpace comments. Please note how the kid pronounces "Pokemon master" at/around 24 seconds.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Pussy galore!





Earlier today, my good friend Gwen found this tiny guy abandoned at a construction site. Other than being a bit dirty and hungry, he's in good shape. I'm watching lil' dude for the weekend because Gwen's two roommates are deathly allergic to cats...since Michelle and I already have two cats of our own, and our apartment is really small, we really can't keep him.

He'll be going to the SPCA early this upcoming week unless we can find someone to take him. So please, if you're interested in getting a great cat, or you know someone that might be interested, please don't hesitate to let me know. Either comment here or hit me with an e-mail: andrewlazor@gmail.com.

Thanks!

(UPDATE: Gwen has decided, tentatively, to keep kitty for herself. This could all change, though, so you can still let me know about possible homes. Also, we discovered that kitty is actually a girl.)

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Monday, July 03, 2006

Jet Li's Fearless



Today's actual update is below, but I wanted to post this separately. Okay, so a fighting tournament really isn't the most original premise for a martial arts flick. But I think this movie will be significant for two reasons: it's supposedly Jet Li's final action role (something about him growing tired of cinematic violence due to his strong Buddhist beliefs), and anyone who's half the kung fu dorkface I am knows that, purist gripes aside, dude excels in historical-type epics (Fong Sai Yuk, Hero, the mostly slept-on Once Upon A Time In China). Official site here.

Unrelated: in case you're wondering where I developed this hyper-specific nerd interest, my mom recently cold-purchased
Kiss of the Dragon from Wal-Mart.

Relax mode


Visit PushinDaisies.com for all your morbid novelty gift needs

I didn't have a whole lot to do last night, so I decided to watch a little TV. Here's what happened, somehow:


Shattered Glass
(excellent)
National Treasure
(the worst part: I'd seen it before in theaters)
Most of
Blade: Trinity (why, Drew, why?)
Harold and Kumar
(underrated)
Naked Weapon (so, so bad, but enjoyable)

What is wrong with me?

Me with a hamhanded profile of a
local baseball dude. Great kid.

According to
this, the British are drinking all the beer in Germany.

My little sis had
this linked in her profile. The intentions here are pure for sure, but I'm torn about what's less effective: a bunch of kids sleeping outside to end the plight of Africans, or using a Killers song as your rally cry.

I Dislike Your Favorite Team does the whole NBA Draft/Glengarry Glen Ross thing. (Deadspin)

You ever get really, really embarassed for someone, even though you don't know them and never will? Senator Ted Stevens' (
straight outta Juneau, bitches!) recent rant about Netflix somehow devolved into him attempting to explain how the Internet works to his colleagues. It's entirely clear he has no idea what he's talking about: "I just the other day got...an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday." I feel your pain, Ted. I ordered an internet on eBay more than two weeks ago and I still haven't received it. I'm thinking about sending the seller a strongly worded internet.

Last week, I had the pleasure of speaking with Casey, a bartender over the Khyber, for a CP article. We got to talking about his band,
Welcome To My Face. Casey's sales pitch: "We're awesome." I cannot disagree, sir.

Holy crap,
we found Noah's Ark. We think. After answering the poll question ("What do you think about the story of Noah's ark?"), I was surprised to see that 69 percent of voters believe it to be fact. Somewhere, Jerry Falwell's interns are clicking furiously to get rid of that sinful, sinful number.

Attention Jungle Boy(s):
Valley of the Dolls and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls are finally on DVD. I don't remember when I watched Beyond or who I was with, but I do recall getting completely sloppy on a weird beer I never, ever drink (I think it was Corona) and feeling semi-proud that I could identify the quote Sublime sampled for the beginning of "Smoke Two Joints."

From
Alexi Lalas' Wiki page: "His love for music is not surprising, given the considerable attention Alexi has received for his uncanny resemblance to Chris Barron, lead singer of the popular 90's rock band the Spin Doctors." Uh...citation needed?