Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Measure of a Juan


The high point of my Photoshop career.

The first ever
Trapper Juan Crappily Photoshopped Sombrero Award (TJCPSA forthwith) goes to none other than Clay Aiken and his militaristic-yet-pleasant "Claynation." Let me explain myself.

On a typical day, this POS blog averages between 100 and 150 hits. Even more typically, 75 or so of those hits are just me reloading the page over and over to see if photos or links or whatever show up. Simply, no one ever really visits this rag, save for my peoples linked on the right and pervs searching for naked pictures of Constance Marie (blame
this post). This is all totally fine with me--I just write in here for the fun of it, nothing more.

This past Sunday, I made a generally pointless post about the Clay Aiken/Kelly Ripa nontroversy, fully expecting it to not get any feedback whatsoever. I was real, real wrong. In the hours following the posting, this blog received
1695 hits, along with a slew of Claymate comments you can feel free to read below. Unprecedented! Holy shit.

I had no idea Clay fans were so, for a lack of a better term, gangsta. (I really wish I wasn't lacking a better term at this juncture, but so it goes.) Although I think Ripa (or "Ripacrite," as y'all have taken to calling her) reacted completely inappropriately, I'd be lying if I said I was a fan of the dude's music. I'm just not, you know? His charity work garners obvious kudos, and he seems like a stand-up dude, but his songs? Meh. No offense. Regardless, I find the Claynation's ability to mobilize and work off a shared agenda seriously impressive. And here I thought Michael Jackson fans were so serious. If Clay ever shot for public office or something, I'm pretty sure he'd win based on Claymate poll turnout alone. Hypothetically speaking, the dude could run on a purely sociopathic
"death to Sharp-Pei puppies in sneakers" platform, and I'm pretty sure he'd still oust any pathetic incumbent foolhardy enough to avoid concession before the primary.

That's not to say you Clay people are mindless lemmings. Nothing of the sort. On the contrary, I'm liking the idea that you know what and who you like, and you stick with that shit. Good for y'all. The sincerity of it all is endearing, I gotta admit. I don't really like Clay, and I don't think I ever will. I'm not gonna preorder the guy's albums, and I'm not gonna go see him on tour. I'll probably flip the channel if he comes on the TV. But as long as you keep Clayin' it up, I'll be fine with giving credit where credit is due.


By the way: I'm changing this here blog's name to Trapper Clay, and I'm only going to write about Aiken-related topics from here on out. Just FYI.


********




My favorite linky image, courtesy of
Clay Aiken: The Ideal Idol. Sorry for the strong language. I wish I knew how to replicate the blinking "new!" font.

53 comments:

Anonymous said...

LOL! If you write topics of interest to his Claymates, and don't keep remind them that you don't like Clay and you never will, that 1695 could just be the tip of the iceburg.

Anonymous said...

Bwahahahaha You are really a hoot. I think you can expect great response to this blog, too. Sombrero Clay is one hot chico....mucho goodo. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey dude, it's ok if you don't like Clay or his music. I commend you on being able to state that without taking pot shots at Clay or those that do like him and his music.

It's mucho-goodo.

Anonymous said...

"Nontroversy"...you're cute!

Anonymous said...

You're a fair-minded guy. I will read your blog. I like an independent thinker. You go Trapper Clay.

Anonymous said...

Hey Trapper Juan,

No problemo not liking Clay's music. Everyone has different taste. You might not want to turn the channel if Clay comes on for an interview though. He's a funny guy. Something you two have in commen. Pssst. I wont't tell.

Anonymous said...

Oh Juan, you'll always be Adam Cartwright to me!

Anonymous said...

Clay has a birthday in just 2 days, Juan. Post those birthday greetings and rack up the hits! I don't know how to reproduce that font, but so many of the Mates are great with that stuff and are really helpful. I did right click on new and save it like a picture so I can at least have a blinking new for my blog. Thanks for the idea! I have no problem with strong language, but I HATE seeing the turkeys. So sad.

Anonymous said...

Not bad, Trapper, not bad. But I think you should re-think your comments about 'Vincent'(in a previous blog)-Clay's rendition-although only a fraction of the song-was beautiful. Simon, in trying to break down Clay(which he never did), made it out to be worse than it really was. And I agree with a previous commenter; next time Clay is on a show being interviewed, watch; he is very witty, snarky and very, very smart; with a gorgeous voice. (Youtube.com will have some previous interviews: some of the best-Jimmy Kimmel Live! and Tyra Banks)

Lou said...

Dude, the sombrero quotient on your page has peaked. Those two next to eachother is almost too much. And by too much, I mean too much awesome.

Anonymous said...

Clay is one of the good guys. I don't care if you don't like his music, you saw an injustice and brought it to light. THAT is why you got hits here. Way to go!!! You're a pretty funny dude, and you might enjoy Clay's humor. Take a look at Clay's late night couch time appearances in September, one with George Lopez on Kimmel and the other with Howie Mandel on Leno. Guy's funny and smart and knows how to laugh at himself. You two have a lot in common in that regard. Nice work! (One comment: Clay's photo is kinda' dated. He looks nothing like that now. He's got long dark hair and stubble. And it's HOT!)

well.now.you.have.done.it said...

Oh crap....I feel for you blogger man, I really do! What is that expression? If you lie down with the devil you are sure to get stung...well that isn't it but that is what I mean. These people are pure evil and if you value your privacy and your sanity run for the hills. The Claymates are complete loons so if you want to have a peaceful life don't EVER mention Clay again! They have no ability to be objective where he is concerned. It is beyond frightening. Think Al Queda on crack.

Oh and to the posters above, Clay is NOT one of the good guys. He is a hypocrite and a liar! He hunts guys out on the internet for sex and lies about it all the while pretending to be a beacon of virtue and a moral man. In my book, guys who do that are NOT the good guys!!!!

Good luck to you funny blogger man...if you make your bed with the Claymates, you are going to need it!! I wish you the best....

Anonymous said...

Could you please Photoshop sombrero Clay again, using a newer picture of Clay? Pretty please?

Anonymous said...

As to comments by well.now.you..., all wrong. This person is judging Clay based on no credible evidence and is sadly mistaken about Clay. It's beyond me how can people can judge someone and be so convinced they are right, when they have no clue. There is no credible evidence of any wrongdoing (nor any Internet stalking) on Clay's part--only some twisted souls with an evil agenda and too much time on their hands. Now who's unable to be objective? And isn't the comment about Claymates not being objective just a bit hypocritical?

Anonymous said...

Don't listen to the hater, Juan. Clay's fans are enthusiastic, but not insane like the haters. If you want to shake us off, just start being a total bore like the haters and we'll leave soon enough.

Anonymous said...

You are going to find Claymates that will 'get pissy' that you don't like Clays music, and then you are going to get Claymates that honor your personal opinion.
We are all diversified with our opinions. However, when it comes to our 'Clay Fandom', we stand United. All we want is accurate, honest,writing.You speak untruths, and we fight to the death, for Clay.
Pay attention though, we don't come here and bash, singers like Kelly Clarkson, or Ruben, as we are fans of theirs too. No hating here.

well.now.you.have.done.it said...

That is what is so sad. You guys assume because someone knows the truth about who Clay really is that it makes them a "hater", which is so lame by the way. You should really see how ridiculous you guys sound calling people "haters". What is this, Elementary school??? It doesn't make someone hateful when they see the truth, it makes them wise. I really feel sorry for you guys. You are being so duped and you are looking so foolish defending his "manliness" and "straightness". You should just accept him as he is and let him be who he is. A talented gay man. All of your rabid devotion has forced him to live a lie.

Clay has indeed lied to you all and you don't want to look at it. There is credible evidence guys but you don't want to see it. Clay has been hooking up with guys online for some time but because John Paulus went about outing him in such a sloppy and self serving way you all dismissed it. There are others who have spoken out and run in terror because of your antics. They didn't think Clay was worth giving their lives up for. Clay did it. He does it. He is gay and he is lying to you all. Rosie outed him, Jimmy Kimmel just outed him, two people who know him WELL...everyone knows he is gay but Clay's rabid fans. You guys are going to feel used and a little embarrassed when you realize how much of your lives you spent defending someone who wasn't worth it and who lied to you. Sad thing is, you won't see it until the obsession wears off a bit.

There have always been people who can sway the masses with charisma and a smile. Clay is one of those guys. Don't any of you think it is odd that he doesn't talk about his faith at all anymore? He has separated himself from it because he knows that he has blown it and he has been held accountable by his more discerning fans and his management who can't sell a hypocrite. He has been forced to drop the whole morality shtick because that got complicated for him when he got caught. Have any of you ever met a straight guy who won't admit to being straight and lets people think they are gay?? Don't recite the ridiculous "people are gonna believe what they want to" thing either. No straight man in their right mind would let people think he were gay if he wasn't. EVER! Especially one who professes to be a Christian.

I must applaud all of you on your new tactics though. You are trying to come off more gentle and less hostile. That is only going to help you and Clay in the long run because all of you together have nearly destroyed what was left of his reputation. It will be a much better world if you all chill a bit.

Hey Juan...write some things that aren't so flattering about Clay and lets just see how "friendly" and "supportive" of you they are before long. They will have your credit report and home address posted online before long. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

OMG! Good BLog! Lol..You are a hoot, but I will say this...the ClayNation does not need another site following Clay. There is already way too much to follow.
A quick thank you for the comedic view of being attacked by the fans and also the respectful lack of criticism on Clay. Not everyone loves the same thing, so that's cool! Just let it be known, he is a winner, a vocal amazement and a down to earth, never having the easy road kid of guy. He gets unnecessary press, lots of nasty cracks and rumors and he attracts many mean spirited people. The brunt of the joke as they say. However an impressive, lovable guy with a lot to add to the music world in voice and style and an incredile philanthropist. He is a drivem man and he has a fanbase that LOVES him. Tread lightly funny man....it's nice to see a nice guy out there! Thanks again for the fun blog.

Anonymous said...

Hola chicas and chicos...we have found a funny man! We need a newer picture of sombrero Clay...with the long hair. Be a sport and change it for his birthday. These days, Clay looks mucho goodo...LOL

Anonymous said...

WOW, Juan now you've done it now. You've started getting the lovers, the normal fans and the......well 'haters' is a good word. juan why do people insist on sitting at thier computer wasting what would have to be several long thought out posts devoted to spreading what is internet fodder (ok so I couldn't find a better word. well ok maybe I could but I didn't want to dirty up your comments)
I can understand fans of someone spending time on someone they like but to hate someone, yet follow everything they do? google them and post crap about them. Creepy.

Thanks for a good blog. (i've read them both. funny without disgusting tirades.) Keep posting I'll keep reading. I may just skip over a few posts.
I don't care whether you like his music, to be honest if he ever gets to record the stuff he wants to do and not the crap RCA is forcing him to (I believe the word Clay used was mandated)you may be surprised. his concerts are far better than anything he's recorded. I'm still waiting for that CD. my ACDC and metallica cd's can make room in my cd player for that one.

Anonymous said...

Trapper, dude! This blog made me laugh my arse off! You're adorable, fair, honest, and did I say adorable!?! I'll read this blog if you take to writing about the Aik-Man!! Thanks for the laugh! Come on 'mates, 5000 hits or BUST!

Anonymous said...

ROTFL..I think Clay's reading your blog. He just blogged us and spoke SPANISH. LOL

Anonymous said...

ahhh...Trapper Juan! You're cute! Love how you write!

It is ok if you don't like Clay's music...not all my friends and family do either...
but hey you are respectful and kind. Which is a refreshing change from many...KR comes to mind. ha.

Now you see why the media just can't leave this guy alone...he generates so much hoopla everywhere he appears...even in blogs like yours!

But we LOVE him and are always there for him! We are a loyal bunch! But you have seen that first hand!

Great job.
We love you too now!

Love said...

Ha ha! Clay DID use some (very lame) spanish on his own blog last night. How cool.

I found your blog from a link on my favorite Clay fan site. Me likey. U funny.

Don't pay any attention to the rant meister above (well.now.whatever). He follows us around and spouts the same boring crap wherever he goes. He's just trying to rile us up. I'm bored with him. You I find interesting though.

Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Wow, truly creepy to come here and post mean chit about Clay. I don't go posting about celebrities I'm not a fan of. Yeah, creepy. Kinda creepy to get so upset about how any of us perceive Clay's sexuality too. You really should talk to someone. You had no idea you were gonna have so much fun did ya Trapper?

Anonymous said...

hee, i love the pic but thats such an old picture of him.

I took a tour of all of your other blogs and a link to the "CLOG" blog. some funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

Blogger Juan, I loooveeeeee you, let's get married!!

PS I typed gnuuuuuhi for you!

Anonymous said...

I officially like you, Trapper, now that I found you like Deal Or No Deal. I admit Clay is my number 2 guy, as Howie will always be my number 1. I'm watching that dumb cop you wrote about on a rerun on CNBC. Can never get too much Howie. Tomorrow is his birthday and the day after is Clay's. Whoopeedoo!! (yes, I'm done yapping)

Anonymous said...

Awww...looks like everybody's favorite Marx Brother has found his way over to yet another blog to spread his particular brand of holiday cheer. Must be hard to keep up with all the Clay mentions and still have a life. Oh, wait...

Great blog, Trapper Juan! I've been enjoying it very much, and appreciate your sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

Bwah your funny! You know I gotta feeling if you met Clay you would like him. Maybe not his music...and that's cool but him yea....he is one funny snarky guy!

Don't foget now it is Clay's Birthday Thursday!!! Show the Nation some love!

Anonymous said...

Love your blog. You are one funny dude. Thanks for being respectful.

Anonymous said...

Good writing. Yea, Clay brought me here. But sometimes things are slow in the claynation!
And like I said, you write well.
I'll be baaack.....

Shadylil said...

Thanks for the chuckle. Yeah, we fans can be a bit OTT, but you know what? We're having the time of our lives!

Oh, don't discount seeing Clay in concert. He ROCKS out in concert. The summer of 2005, he did his 'Jukebox Tour', running from the 50's through the present and let me tell you, the opening 20 minute 50's medley, including doing Elvis better than Elvis, was a real 'tour-de-force'. Search it out on Youtube.

Anyway, I've enjoyed your blog!

Anonymous said...

Rock on, Juan! All Is Well!....Fun stuff...Hey! I know! YOu don't like Clay's music and that's okay...but do you like Christmas music? Check it out! He sings classic holiday songs like nobody else...give the new All Is Well a listen...and thanks for being fair...

Anonymous said...

How about we just enjoy this guy's writing and understand we can't convert him into a Clay fan. I forced my husband and my son to give Clay a listen and was genuinely surprised that they both said it would never happen. Anyway, I've learned my lesson. They both got sick of me trying to convert them, and there are a lot of us here. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

To understand why alot of folk are saying you'd probably find Clay very funny (you both have a similar sense of humor - very "snarky"!), check out some of the YouTube videos below that are "classic Clay" humor. (It will also show you some of Clay's ever changing looks, too, LOL.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkCctY-ojFQ&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsdfA9xKHX0&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLFp_G0DDG8&mode=related&search=

(Fortunately, he's got a great band and backup singers that you'll see give it back as much as Clay dishes it out!)

Anonymous said...

Yeah, stop trying to convert the guy, enjoy his blog...it's FUNNYYYY!!!!! You're a funny guy, Mr Don Juan. I still want to marry you! What are you doing New Years....New Years Eve! hehe
(ok so its a Clay reference, shoot me!)

Sara said...

These "claymates" are sick fucks.

Anonymous said...

Gee - some of the commentators are making us Claymates look positively normal. ;) I think I'm going to have to put you into "my favorites". You're a funny guy.

Anonymous said...

Buenas noches,Juanito. Somebody already mentioned "Merry Christmas With Love" I agree you give it a listen. Christmas music stands by itself, it's generic sort of. Check it out on iTunes, what have U gatta loose? If you hate it, bitch me out. If U like, give me a shoutout,OK? Go on, I'll wait right here for U, (or till the Cuervo's gone) uh, how do you cook this worm? P.P.S. everyone's anonymous here, what's up w/that.

Pamela said...

Oh, Juan, so sorry for the farts of negativity here. Now you can see what Clay & his fans have to put up with. Obsessive haters who follow him (& us) daily wherever he is talked about. It's creepy, yeah, but we've become sadly used to it & bored by it. Love your sense of humor, don't care that you don't own a Clay CD & probably never will, appreciate an open mind & respect your ability to express youself without the venom illustrated here by those pathetic losers who live only to bring a good man down. I don't give a flying fig who Clay sleeps with & neither do most of his fans. He's a young single guy & he has the right to his privacy & sowing his wild oats. And yeah, he's a Christian & talks about it a lot. That's also his right. It's only the haters who won't allow him his personal life & privacy. Btw, Juan, what do ya think of Lorenzo's choice? Frankly, I thought Sadie had it all over Jennifer in terms of beauty, brains & maturity... but I'm not the one with the castle in Rome.

Anonymous said...

LOL - great blog! Thanks for tickling my funny bone :)

Jill said...

Juan, please trust the ClayNation. These same looney haters are the ones who bombarded Kelly Ripa with phone calls to go mental on Clay Aiken. She did and made a fool of herself. They follow Clay and his fans around like stalkers. The reason is simple....jealousy. They don't want their Idols upstaged by him. They've been doing it for three years now.

Rick said...

Trapper Juan to the O.R.! Incoming wounded!! I bet Hawkeye's the kind of guy who would listen to "Measure Of A Man" & shed a tear. Trapper never would, but that's OK. No biggie. I enjoy your snark, regardless. As to the ranting hater (coz what else are ya gonna call someone who lives to hate?), I'll quote the lovely Amanda Peet whose STUDIO 60 character has also been the victim of a tabloid smear campaign: "I don't owe any explanation to people who read (& believe, ed.) the National Enquirer."

Anonymous said...

Keep up the snark Juan, I look forward to your comments! ALL IS WELL!

Betsy said...

Yes Trapper Juan,

Thanks for being fair & honest and fairly open-minded. That's all a Clay fan can ask for (IMO). It is fine you don't have any of his music & okay you don't care for it. Although... whenever my mother served a new food we always had to try it before we could honestly say, we didn't like it. Comprendo?

Anonymous said...

Please, please, I am begging you!! No more YouTube links, no more requests for him to listen to Clay or watch how funny he is. The requests have been made and now if we don't want to look like Clay is ALL we care about we need to chill out and stop pushing. It only helps the haters when we act so obsessive. This is my opinion. Obviously you don't have to do what I ask, but I am absolutely begging everyone to stop pushing. He's told us how he feels. Let's respect that, please. If he changes his mind, he absolutely knows where to go to get links for Clay's stuff. Thanks for listening. Yes, I've had a bad morning. Thanks for asking!

kibby said...

Dude,

I just wanted to let you know that I totally agree with this right here-- "Guy's funny and smart and knows how to laugh at himself. You two have a lot in common in that regard."
Knowing you for as long as I have, I gotta say that you've always reminded me of Clay. You guys are like two peas in a pod.
Also-- "(One comment: Clay's photo is kinda' dated. He looks nothing like that now. He's got long dark hair and stubble. And it's HOT!)"
it IS hot! What's wrong with you and not posting pics of the sexy new Clay?? I know you have them on your computer.

stinky said...

Haha Kibby! He's obviously hiding until the coast is clear.

Lou said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lou said...

Pushing these comments to 50, just because. Did you know you can't spell Yay! without using at least two letters from Clay's name. Coincidence?

You can also use all the letters to spell the word Lacy.

mc said...

omg you've whored yourself out, trapper clay. kudos to you. the calderon clan would be so proud.

see you christmas, ok? no more skipping out, jerk-clay-face.

PatrickH said...

I look at this blog for the first time since I left Philly, and I see a picture of Jamie Lee Curtis in a sombrero.