Thursday, June 29, 2006

The bloodclot?

Does this page look really, really fucked up right now, or is it only on my computer? Let me know if it's displaying normally for you. And, to any tech-savvy people out there, if you could somehow point me in the right direction in terms of fixing this, I'd appreciate it very much. Just so this post isn't a complete waste, here's a terrible joke from the June issue of Maxim:

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: "How do you breathe through something so small?"

Actually, yeah, it's still a complete waste.

(UPDATE: In the two seconds since I've posted this, the page has gone back to normal. The bloodclot indeed!)

Before I say anything... this. it.

I made a few minor changes to the sidebar here. In case it didn't register/you're way cooler than me, all the categories, with the exception of "Stalkerati" (I named it ignorant to the fact that
this creepy shit existed), are Trivial Pursuit categories. Uh, except "Trivial Pursuits." Whatever. Anyway, they all work from a logical standpoint, except "Science & Nature" for the recent post list. That doesn't a lick of sense. New additions: The Oriole Report and The UFC Octagon are two extremely well-written, straightforward sites about, you know. In a time when most blogs (this one included, of course) contain little to no trace of anything useful (see for reference: the pickle girl), it's stuff like this that keeps the "the Internet can be a source for coherent information" torch burning. Cheers.

Kurt Loder gives a
shining review to Click, disses Brick and Down In The Valley. Click has a 29% on Rotten Tomatoes. Brick: 77%. DITV: 50%. This stinks of dirty Sony money. I kinda wanna corner Loder at gunpoint in the hollowed-out stairwell of an abandoned office building and scream shit like "WHO HIRED YOU?" Before he answered, I'd have some sort of childhood flashback that breaks me down and forces me to lower my weapon. Loder would deftly disarm me and push me down the stairs, where I'd tumble to my death. Then, he'd utter some Seagal esque one-liner like "Rolling Stone. But you already knew that."

I'm writing a preview of the upcoming
Alchemy Conference for City Paper. Imagine my disappointment when I realized they weren't talking about this. In other CP news, Al Paris' Mantra got a so-so review this week. I happened to really like it there, but then again, the reviewer here sampled way more stuff than I did (multiple trips, I think), and liked the dishes that I tried and enjoyed. The Vietnamese coffee creme brulee was the best.

A LiveJournal community for people who hate Rachael Ray. Harsh, in a mom's-really-disappointed-in-you kinda way. Mission statement: "If you loathe Rachael Ray as much as we do, join this community and talk shit about her! If you actually like Rachael Ray and think this community is evil, go cry in your garbage bowl and shut the hell up." Regardless, I was glad to read that other people also suspect she's a closet alcoholic.

YouTube, our favorite website, is responsible for several well-deserved corporate terminations as of late. There's the infamous
Comcast guy sleeping incident, and I also found this crazy AOL clip. To be honest, I kinda-sorta sympathize with Comcast dude. That job sucks, and the only reason he passed out was because his own tech support put him on hold. I've had it out for Comcast ever since I was introduced to the death knell also known as "one-time fees." Bastards...

Cadbury's has to
bury 250 tons of chocolate because it might be contaminated with salmonella. "The company could not reveal where it would be buried, but warned children against embarking on a Charlie And The Chocolate Factory-style hunt for the buried confectionery, saying: 'We would not encourage anybody to try to find the discarded chocolate.'" Only a British kid would get excited by the prospect of a hidden horde of diarrhea-inducing candy.

Probably the
best "Ask Fergie" ever.

Rick Majerus always drives
Lou insane, mainly because he says "OH-fense" and not "offense." Either way, he's not a big gay guy. Watch Steve Lavin's face.

Massive credit goes to Michelle for pointing out that Chuck Klosterman looks pretty much exactly like Wembley from Fraggle Rock. Here's a recent interview translation courtesy of Gawker. He's in Philly today.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Bad news, rap dudes

"Hey, Leon, it's Madge! Remember this?"

This past weekend, I made the long, boring trek down to Ocean City, MD to visit some of Michelle's fam. 'Twas a great time which resulted in me being away from Philly (and the computer) for less than 48 hours. As soon as I arrived back home, however, I realized that being Internet-less for any amount of time creates the false impression that the world has dramatically changed in one's absence. I'm so accustomed to the constantly updating data orgy that I somehow felt it was my God-given right to have missed something important. That's why I felt cheated that shit like
Philebrity hadn't posted any updates. I think I need to get out more.

Call me
a soulless corporate huckster sappy, but I found this Nike-produced tribute to Earl Woods quite touching (better quality version here). When I saw it on TV, it got me thinking about the insane machinations that kicked into gear the moment Nike realized Tiger's dad was close to passing. Do you think a bunch of editing monkeys hastily threw this together after Phil Knight realized Father's Day was coming up? Or, do you think it was completed far before Earl Woods' deteriorating condition even hit the wires? Did some hapless intern get stuck with the task of Googling for dad-centric background music? If so, why wasn't Shaq's "Biological Didn't Bother" strongly considered? Either way, it probably made for some unavoidably insensitive board meetings and/or office memos.

Lately, I've been thinking about actors who seem like they're British, but actually aren't. This isn't just based on an actor having a UK-type accent, either (a la Zeta-Jones or Brosnan). There's just something about a person's features that screams
"I own Union Jack underwear." Elijah Wood and James Cromwell are two Yanks that come to mind. Who else, who else...let me know if you've run into this yourself.

Conversely, I had
no clue that Christian Bale was British. I heard him accepting an MTV movie award, and thought he was doing an impression (he even said "bloody"). He's played Americans in pretty much every movie of his I've watched, but to be fair, this list only includes Newsies, American Psycho, The Machinist, Batman Begins and...Newsies. Did you play a Brit in Reign of Fire? If you've seen it, holler the world may never know.

I'm pleased to announce that the indomitable Duffy has finally started a blog, First and First. This post is as good a place as any to start. There's this, too. Ha. Speaking of blogdom friends who I actually know in real life, I've noticed that quite a few of y'all, from McGrath to Denise to Emynd, have fallen the eff off something fierce lately. Sure, you've got "jobs" and "bills" and "adult responsibilties" and all, but that shit's overrated, right? Right? Get back to writing about books I'll never read, vagina imagery and media-perpetuated racism, respectively.

O-Dub with an interesting review of Tokyo Drift. Yes, that Tokyo Drift. And yes, there are footnotes. Surprising: "I have to say that TD - unlike, say Lost In Translation - managed to play down Tokyo as some hyper-exotic, inscrutable cultural space....[Director Justin] Lin didn't make Tokyo seem that vastly different than any hyper-urban city that we've seen in other recent movies."

60 percent of people who
read accidentally come upon Trapper Juan via Google Image Search are using Internet Explorer, as opposed to 26 percent using various versions of Firefox. I really don't know much about Firefox's techie X's and O's, but I do know that it's simple, easy and plays right into my tendency to have eight million webpages open at once. Plus, in IE, this page looks really, really messed up. So do it. Also, thanks to StatCounter, I recently learned that a good number of people find this site by searching for naked pictures of Constance Marie.

In other news:

With the introduction of web spreadsheets, Google has officially
taken over my life. (thanks Adam Riff™)

Tito "The Huntington Beach Bad Boy" Ortiz had a clause in his contract stating that he gets to
tap up UFC prez Dana White. (thanks UFC Octagon)

John Cho is the lead singer of a Seven Mary Three-esque band.

Pat's Steaks needs to
step up its website game.

Looks like I inadvertently triggered a
hilarious online etherfest with my national language comment the other day. Whoops. Appreciate the link, though.

Anyone know if
this is the dancing dude from Ong-bak? If not, it should be.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Sit your five-dollar ass down before I make change

"What did I tell you about making fun of Roger

Back, back, B about not being around in the past few. I dedicated pretty much all of my time to writing
City Paper's Summer Restaurant Guide. I think it turned out reasonably well. Note to y'all: try Malaysian food. It's seriously delicious. Also, during my research, I found out something amazing about that country (warning: it's YTMND, but just read the tiled image).

Scene and Heard post on Wolfmother
(third one down).

Who's more irritating: a straight-up stupid person, or stupid person who strongly believes that he/she is intelligent? My vote goes for the latter, no question. Case in point: Jenelle on
Real World: Key West (aka Halfrica Bambaattaa) dropped this gem on a recent episode, in reference to Jose, who fills the "only sane person" role well: "He's using his insecurity as an escape goat for my security." ESCAPE GOAT?!?? (Rush tribute band name what?) As soon as my brain started processing that, all the knowledge I attained during my four years of college started rotting like a left-on-the-counter chimichanga.

Interesting find in light of Joe Vento's xeno-whiz-wit: "On May 19, 2006, the United States Senate voted to make English the National Language. According to the bill...the Federal government will no longer provide multilingual communications and services, except for those already guaranteed by law. " Apparently, English has been our national language for less than a month. (thanks Mo)

Maxim Online's
Top 12 Sitcom Neighbors. Good looks on not making the top pick too obvious...I'm just upset about one particularly upsetting omission.

Many thanks to
Trencherwomen for the link. A blog dedicated solely to female competitive eaters? The long-standing "there's magazine for everything" truism now applies wholly to blogs.

I just realized something, and I have no idea why it took so long to dawn on me: if HilRod wins in the 2008 election, Bill Clinton will be
back in the White House, just chillin'. Imagine the possibilities...

This is from a little while ago, but the boy
Dallas Penn wrote a great post on sneaker culture.

Most Orthodox Jewish faceplant ever.

I don't know how many of you are into the World Cup, but even if you're not,
this JogaTV clip is worth watching. I still don't really understand why soccer isn't huge in the US--it's the most marketable sport ever (or maybe Ronaldinho is just the most marketable athlete ever). A professor of mine once pointed out that since America has a perpetual hard-on for rugged individualism, the all-pervading team emphasis of soccer simply doesn't translate to us. According to him, baseball is the best athletic metaphor for our one-of-a-kind national character--it features the most finely tuned balance of individual achievement and team play, moreso than basketball or football. Anyone care to weigh in?

I recently watched/reviewed a Smiths DVD for
DIW, and came across two great tidbits: 1) "Morrissey" comes up correctly spelled when typed in Microsoft Word; 2) This.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination

Above (no, not the little one): title of a Spam mail I received yesterday (only slightly less of a mindfuck than Jon's). I didn't open it because it had an attachment, but I really, really wanted to.

This past Saturday, I went to the Philly regional qualifiers for the Nathan's Famous hotdog eating contest (wrote it up here). To no one's surprise, Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas completely obliterated the competition, eating 36 1/2 dogs in 12 minutes. The contest itself was a lot of fun, but I gleaned the most enjoyment from reading a magazine these PETA protestors gave me after all the eatin' was done. Upon opening it, I discovered a two-page spread featuring quotes from veg celebrities explaining why they don't eat meat. A few of the comments are relatively eloquent, and I guess as effective as a celebrity PETA quote can be (shoutout to James Cromwell). Most, however...

Josh Hartnett: "I gave up meat when I was 12...One day I was cutting up a chicken for my mom, and I hit a tumor with the knife. There was [pus] and blood all over the place. That was enough for me."
To me, the bracketed [pus] rings highly suspect. Who knows what he said foreal? My guess: [fun size Snickers].

Masta Killa (yes, that Masta Killa): "Whatever you ate before that you loved--like turkey slices--they've got a substitute now that's not hard to find."

Don't know why, but I would've never pegged dude as a turkey slice guy. Master of the Butterball rapture, coming atcha.

Casey Affleck: "Imagine living in a cage in the dark, unable to move, day after day. The suffering of today's American farm animals is almost beyond belief. They don't have a choice, but you do, and their lives depend on it."

Wait...who are you again? Oh, Ben's brother, were in what now? Drowning Mona? Well, thanks for coming out.

Constance Marie: "I stopped eating meat about six years ago, when I was working on the movie Selena. During the shoot, I had to hold a chicken for five hours--if you hold it and feel its little heart beating for hours, you just can't think about eating it."

It's been three days awhile since I last watched Selena, but I don't recall the scene where Constance Marie held a chicken. The only part I remember vividly is after Selena's manager caps her, and she's sitting in the car surrounded by cops going "I want to talk to my mother..."

Pamela Anderson: "Chickens, pigs, and other animals--they are interesting individuals with personalities and intelligence."

Yes, Barb Wire just referred to chickens as "individuals." Brace for shark jump in three, two...

Sir Paul McCartney: "If anyone wants to save the planet, all they have to do is just stop eating meat...It's staggering when you think about it. Vegetarianism takes care of so many things in one shot: ecology, famine, cruelty."

I really want to balk at Sir Paul's suggestion that me going veg will end global hunger, but I know he's currently busy staving off a certain someone's whorish/pathetic PR attempts. Good luck with all that, man.


On-point analysis of U(nderachieving)Conn basketball.

So yeah, I made "The Touch" my MySpace page song (don't worry, I didn't set it to start automatically, although I must insist that you click play). Screw it, watch the video. Best five minutes of my life I've ever spent. "Cool music video" doesn't even begin to describe it...

Read this cast list. Just read it.

A few others from this week's CP (be sure to read the cover story, too, it's the balls):

Wolfmother (anyone else going to see 'em Sunday?)
Watering Hole: Chaucer's (And oh, here's "Jabberwocky"...make flashcards or something)

"If you can't read, if you can't say the word cheese, how can I communicate with you - and why should I have to bend?" Uhh...fif.

Free Darko rips on everyone's favorite baby-faced defensive specialist. I always like to peruse the comments section here; where else are you going to find the phrase "banal mush mouthed egalitarian politico-moral fetishism" (foreal) employed in reference to a post on Raja Bell?

One more time, here's a much less intimidating URL for Pete's site, Static Ink. I think I've told you this before, man, but you have one hell of a superhero alter ego name. Peter Havens? I'm totally playing the "told you so" card as soon as you start using your Pete-arang to swing from building to building.