Monday, May 22, 2006

It's like a parallel hell, where Satan freezes



I've had this picture bookmarked for a long time, and have always intended to use it to head a post. Finally, that day has come. Resume reading whenever you're done clawing your eyes out in anger. Braille Trapper Juan version available for the vision impaired.

I'm taking care of my buddy Gerard's dog while he's in Europe for two weeks. Last year, I had the pleasure of watching her when she was just a wee puppy. Now, she's a motherfucking tank (for the slightly pornographic dog pose, I apologize). Also, please take note of the duct tape holding together the legs of my computer chair in the second image.

This dog (named Nike, after the
greek goddess and some company) is a muscular, electrified bundle of unbridled energy, and the craziest part is she's still under a year old. This means she thinks and acts like she's still a pint-size pooch. When she jumps on my lap and tries to sit with me on the couch, I feel like I'm in the middle of this (note: this came up when I did a Google image search for M. Bison). She nearly chokes herself to death every time I try to walk her because she insists on sprinting the whole time. She also tries to eat my cat, which is often always hilarious. Come visit if you want. Come on, I've got a puppy! And an engaging personality?

Don't fuck with this guy--he'll send you unsolicited call girls.

For some reason, instead of doing all my work, I've gotten into the habit of using YouTube to find ghost movies. Most of the shit that comes up is either
funny or unbelievably infuriating, but I did manage to find some Japanese ghost mixes with really disturbing music. [1] [2] (There are like five more from the same user, too). Some of the apparitions are obviously just weird lighting anomalies, but there is some truly, truly strange shit throughout. I don't know if it's just because I used to play Fatal Frame a lot, or I've seen too many of those Ju-On flicks (the inspiration for The Grudge stateside), but I get the impression that Japan is a really, really haunted place.

The genius-but-overhyped "Lazy Sunday" (and all the fucking terrible DIY parodies that came after it) gets most of the shine, but this
SNL digital short is the balls. The bandanna bit is also the balls.

Furthermore, this post proves that Dallas Penn is the balls.
"Kenyan broads have that exotic Africa thing going for them without the HIV or the missing hands due to civil war. Mulatto chicks with a Jew mom are simply the gold standard by which I judge all my summertime jumpoffs by. The mom is never going to let you marry the girl, but hey, you didn’t want to anyhoo."

Free Darko's Dr. Lawyer IndianChief hates Anderson Varejao. I've always hated that guy too, but not based on his game or his Bunsen-Honeydew-in-Sao-Paulo hair. His persona, or at least the persona I created for him, just pisses me off. I'll admit that I didn't see dude play once throughout the entire season--my only exposure to this Brazilian Brian Krakow was through TNT promo after-ungodly-LeBron-dunk footage, where AV would hug his teammate as if he actually contributed sizably to the amazing play that had just unfolded.

DLIC slays it here: "Varejao is what hoops experts commonly refer to as an "energy guy," a player whose job is to grab key offensive rebounds, track down loose balls, and take charges (often, in Varejao's case, by "flopping"). Praising this style of play, whose inhibition so contrasts with the fluidity and improvisation of star players like Varejao's teammate LeBron James, makes the Bill Walton do-gooders feel that they are teaching America's youth a more ethically sensible version of how to play basketball." Fuck that guy (AV).

Cronenberg is
working with Viggo again; Naomi Watts to pull a Mario Bello and get violently screwed on stairs this time around. Here's hoping Dave will return to form and have more typewriters turning into vaginas or what have you.

Read "Trapped In A Bookshop," a great piece by a Chestnut Hill business owner named Hugh Gilmore,
here.

In case you need a reminder: if
Baltimore was a dude, he'd stab you (and me, just for opening my mouth).

Every morning, around this time (5:41am), pigeons sit on the sill outside my window and coo like crazy. If it was socially acceptable to punch pigeons, I would.

1 comment:

kibby said...

Haha...lately, everyone that I've been interacting with has been bringing up their hatred of pigeons. My sister referred to them as "filthy, vile and bloated" flying rats. I don't really have any issues with pigeons at all. I'd even go as far to say that I kinda like them. Oh well. I wanna come over and see that dog you speak of. I don't have enough dogs or babies in my life. Also, the picture of the japanese nazi girl is fuckin hilarious.