Sunday, December 25, 2005

You get the wrap, I'll roll it

Here's hoping that I survive the egg nog- (not racially) fueled nuclear onslaught that is Christmas. I'll be back in posting rambling form once I pull all the pieces of yule-shrapnel from my festively ravaged body. Quick question: is it common practice to Sharpie over the price of an item if the price is written directly on the bottle/box/etc.? For example, should I scratch out how much I blew on a perfume set inspired by Memoirs of a Geisha? It still cost a mint even though the overtly heterosexual clerk gave me the employee discount, a boon that made me feel equal parts sexy and uncomfortable. I've seen people do it (scratch off prices, not manifest a mancrush) before, but it just seems weird and in poor taste. Plus, I don't think anyone gives a Delta Burke how much I spent on them.

The other night, I dreamt that I was sitting on a yellow couch watching ESPN, and the dude Stephen A. Smith came on. Someone gave him a large chunk of face time to just rant and rave, and I was excited, since I enjoy the SAS soliloquy. So he starts to yap, and it's not long before the overall theme is established: he thinks Derek Fisher is the best player in the NBA, and there's nothing you can say to change his mind. In my dream, I threw a really big wad of cotton candy (multiple colors) at the screen to express my frustration. Hey, DFish is not even close to being the worst dude in the league, but I just found this assertion to be absolutely preposterous (hence the cotton candy throwing).

I would ask my psychologist dad what all this signifies, but he just got some seasons of Monk on DVD and has been having a great time watching them since I came home for the holiday. I don't want to bog down his festive mood with my Derek Fisher/cotton candy-related insecurities.
He doesn't know. If anyone can offer an intepretation of my dream, I would love to hear it.

Happy holidays.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Salad shooter!

I'm planning on coming with a real update later today, but figured I would share a few pictures of my new turtles. Michelle got 'em for me as an early Christmas present. Thanks! Dudes are the shit. I wasted some money on aquatic turtle food, which sucks since I later realized they really, really like chicken. I also paid six bucks for a piece of fucking driftwood for their tank. Six bucks...for driftwood? This shit just floats around by nature, and you can get it for free (if the hobos who hang under the pier don't get to it first). I'm an idiot.

This is Benny. Resembles Aidan Quinn, no?
Nicest turtle
ever. If he could talk, he would
have a Cockney accent. I'm
sure of it.

Joon. Fatter, not as nice. I threatened to flush her down
the toilet, and Michelle got rather heated.
Our relationship
will never be the
same. For an accent, I'm going to go with
Eritrean. Stupid North African sovereign states, with their
war elephants and spicy foods...I'm considering changing
her name to Kathy Bates.

Thanks to Lou for taking the pictures. If I had taken them, they'd be on some blurry-as-eff, finger-in-the-frame, no-trace-of-talent bullshit. I'm about as good at photography as I am at scoring a power play goal in ice hockey: mediocre at best.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I never sleep, 'cause sleep is the cousin of death

Just check the posting time. Eghh...

David Cross to Larry the Cable Guy letter that's all over the place. I'm not the biggest Cross fan out there, but I definitely rank among the biggest LTCG haters. Disregarding any and all liberal vs. conservative/red vs. blue/metropolitan vs. "salt of the earth" bullshit, I don't like him for one overwhelming reason: dude simply isn't funny. At all. I find his no-sleeves-on-the-flannel schick sophomoric and mostly boring. His boy Ron White/"Tater Salad" is funny as eff, though. I like him.

Samorost 2. I never played/heard of Samorost 1, but the game is crazy. Just click shit. It's really, really hard. I can't get far at all.

Roommate showed me this. He sez: "I sincerely hope this is a joke. But even if it isn't, its pretty amazing."

A few CP articles for y'all: TG parties and spicy-as-eff food. Aren't you excited? I didn't think so. Hey, I'm kinda struggling with my latest "top five" article, which is a rundown of the best places to spot local/national celebrities in the city. I have all my info but some of the people are insanely difficult to get in touch with; if you have any suggestions, feel free to hit me with 'em.

"Exercise...with Alcohol." (Thanks G)

Google, in its early days.

l was asked to compile my top 10 list of 2005, so here's that, complete with terrible haikus for each album:

1. Why?
Elephant Eyelash (Anticon)

Yoni is healthy
He wants fatty rappers to

Not drink any milk

2. The Decemberists
Picaresque (Kill Rock Stars)

Fighting to the death
Belle & Sebastian would fall
To your baroque-fu

3. My Morning Jacket

Long hair is back in
Just remember, you hippies

Shoes never went out

4. Kanye West
Late Registration (Roc-A-Fella)

Oh, Kanye: what's wrong?
I know you work hard and shit
But miners do, too

5. Sufjan Stevens
Illinoise (Asthmatic Kitty)

Idea's great, but
Be careful with Maryland

Don't forget

6. Aesop Rock
Fast Cars, Danger, Fire & Knives (Def Jux)

It's obvious that
You know a lot of big words
Help me pass college

7. Gorillaz
Demon Days (Virgin)

This here parody
Is about as funny as
Saget voiceovers

8. Beck
Guero (WB)

Oh, shit. Beck, you crazy fuck
Go fist some Tom Cruise

9. White Stripes
Get Behind Me Satan (V2)

That's kinda weird, Jack
I just hope Lucifer knows
It's a conga line

10. This Bird Has Flown: A 40th Anniversary

to the Beatles' Rubber Soul
(Razor & Tie)

Fiery Furnaces
Ruined my favorite song
Go thrift, and then die

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Gettin' change like a parking meter

R.I.P. Richard Pryor

Finally get a chance to update after a hellish week of work. Wrote a massve amount of stuff, including a paper on
South Park and a 25-page TV script. I can assure you that the latter wasn't good at all, as one of the recurring motifs in it was the main character's imaginary conversations with Reginald Punnett, developer of the square that bears his name. What the shit was I thinking? Wine's gonna kill it.

Eh, don't attempt to have
phone sex with the girlfriend while she's shopping. Just sayin'.

Extremely amused by this MTV bit where
Kanye flips shit about nothing in particular:

"If I don't win Album of the Year, I'm gonna really have a problem with that," said West. "I can never talk myself out of [winning], you know why? Because I put in the work. I don't care if I jumped up and down right now on the couch like Tom Cruise. I don't care what I do, I don't care how much I stunt — you can never take away from the amount of work I put into it. So I don't wanna hear all of that politically correct stuff. You put the camera in front of me, I'm gonna tell you like this. I worked hard to get here. I put my love, I put my heart, I put my money [into Late Registration]. I'm $600,000 in the hole right now on that album and you tell me about being politically incorrect?"

Do you really think you deserve AOTY just because you worked hard? You're supposed to work hard at what you do, no? I work hard at what I do, but I don't think that automatically secures me the "short-form restaurant column writer of the year" prize or anything. I'm sure you and Jon put in a lot of hours into LR, and it's a fucking great record. I my opinion, it could very well be album o' the. But suggesting that you deserve the distinction just because you worked hard on something (or, just because a person who lost his/her abuela is touched by "Roses") is rather ridiculous. That's relying on the assumptions that no one else in music works hard, and/or that no one else in music creates art that fans can relate to. From a broader perspective, while I'm sure making music is both physically and creatively taxing, are you really working hard hard? Talk to me when you've got the black lung. C'mon, homey, you're major majorer more major (?) than that.

Bol with some interesting bits on Blackface Jesus from what he calls "The Axis of PC." Ha. Here's BFJ's response.

I'm sure
this has been there and back again, but I love it and figured it'd be worth posting. And oh, apparently Jim Jones is going to be at the Crocodile Rock Cafe (?!!?!) on the 30th. Apparently, Capo status gets you shows in Allentown. DIP SET!

Officially doing it over at
Rockpile, which is exciting. Got two pieces coming up--Futureheads and DFA '79. Gyeah.

O-Dub had this post up that brought me back to my childhood (not because it's Asian, but because it's nerdy). Oriental Adventures? Shit. I bet if I dug long enough back home I could still find my character sheets and whatever-sided dice. What a fucking dork (me). I'm not going to lie--when I was a kid, I played Dungeons & Dragons like it was my job. I'm not proud of it, but I'm man enough to admit it. I feel like I played it a bit earlier than most, however (not that that makes it any cooler); I started in like third grade maybe and completely lost interest by fifth or so. I would like to lie and say that this suggests that I was a precocious youth, but it really just suggests that I was an "indoor kid." Very, very indoor.

Anyway, my parents were always wary of my D&D playing, and thought it was extremely stupid. I remember them telling me how they saw an episode of
Unsolved Mysteries where a bunch of nerds took their game way too seriously and ended up killing each other (with magic?). Looking back on it, I realize that they told me this shit because they didn't want their son to be a complete dork. Thanks, parents--you're the reason why I'm where I'm at today. That's some good English right chair.

Diamond Dallas Page is suing Jay-Z? (via Catchdubs) I find this move ballsy and brillant. DIAMONDCUTTER!

"Don't Gross Out the World." Some of these shits are really interesting. Not that I'm going to be eating with Eskimos anytime soon or anything, but still. Actually, eating with Eskimos more often sounds like a good starter for my New Year's resolutions.

People are bitching about the new
Gmail virus scan? What is there to bitch about? Oh...

The 3 main complaints being aired in Gmail discussion groups are: the virus-scanning feature can't be turned off; Gmail's long-standing virus protection, namely blocking all executable file attachments, remains as it is; and Google is not saying much in terms of which vendor is providing the anti-virus technology.

1. Why the shit would you want to turn it off? The thing seriously takes like (less than) three seconds to scan an attachment. It's helpful. I don't want viruses, you know?

2. If you really need to e-mail an .exe file that bad, just put it in a .zip file. I haven't done it but I'm pretty sure that would work.
3. The day I care about which vendor is providing me with this helpful service is the day I start playing Oriental Adventures again.

You know what I enjoy? Those AIM viruses that send infected links to everyone on your buddy list. I don't actually love the virus itself, but I really like how it reveals who's stalking you online. I've gotten a few completely random virus links from people that I didn't have on my list or whatever. I see you, stalkies. Let's just hope I don't get one of these infections; that would blow my cover as most covert e-stalker of the young century.

Archive of
dumb sports quotes (thanks Emynd). One of my favorites: "Like they say, it an't over 'til the fat guy swings." - Darren Daulton on John Kruk. How is that dumb? I find that witty as fuck.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

David Copperfield on the stove

"Most Likely to Make Your

Mom Laugh Uncomfortably"

Adam Morrison is the best mustachioed player in college basketball? I personally haven't seen enough games/teams/players to rightfully quantify such a claim, but from what I have seen, he is definitely a contender. The weird part about his game is that he's utterly elusive. Dude's a deceptively good ballhandler that, on first glance, looks a bit awkward when he's out in the open court. Once you slip up and give dude an inch, though, it's over. 43 points twice? Against UWash and Michigan State? Good job.

Am I completely off-base in saying that Larry Hughes and Juelz Santana are slight brothers from anothers? Other dudes named Larry Hughes
here and here. Haha. While this probably isn't the case for not-entirely-famous names like LH, I seriously sympathize with dudes like this whose lives are likely in ruins for obvious reasons.

Little did I know that one of my favorite wrestlers from childhood shared the government name as well. Once, Virgil came to the mall back home when I was about 18 or so, so my friend Justin and I rushed over to meet him. We had tons of questions: are you still on bad terms with Ted DiBiase (who is apparently now a minister)? Was it degrading to be the nWo's mostly-mute lackey after serving as the Million Dollar Man's buttboy for so many years? Why'd you wear that weird bondage mask for so long? Unfortunately, our childlike giddiness was squashed like the 1-2-3 Kid's face after a Banzai Drop when Virgil turned out to be a complete twatbag. He refused to even really talk to us or shake our hands without us shelling out 15 bucks for a faded-ass, shit-ass picture of him from like 15 years prior.

It was then that I started wondering why Virgil had been one of my favorite wrestlers in the first place. The only distinct memory of him really doing anything gully was the one time he thwacked DiBiase with the championship belt, but after that he mostly just walked around as an inessential member of people's posses. Fuck you, Virgil--I don't want your shit glory days picture. I bar you from ever visiting the Harford Mall again.

My Uncle Jack runs an organic dairy farm up on the Vermont/Canada border (and could easily play Robin Williams' character in a dinner theatre version of Good Will Hunting). He's featured in this article about the big dispute over genetically-modified crops. Stick it to 'em.

This has been the week (or, two weeks) of twisted-ass movies.
Last House on the Left was not a pleasant watch. Shit was awesome though. Lou rented it on the strength of a friendly-but-slightly-eccentric video store employee we cleverly dubbed "movie recommender guy." I IMDB'd it when we got back, and an inordinate amount of people called it the most disturbing film they'd ever seen. I salute you, MRG, for making our weekly two- to three-minute interation that much more awkward. Oh yeah, and I re-watched Eraserhead for the first time in years last night. That flick is so hair-raisingly, stomach-churningly pathological that I really have no words to describe it.

Oh yeah, my boss introduced me to this the other night (no joke). I'm going to camp out for tickets. Seriously.

Davu review. One of the stupidest records I've heard in a long time. I don't know why spoken-word poets think they can automatically become rappers just like that. It's two completely different bags. God knows I would never, ever want to see Jason from the Real World: Boston on the mic. Yeesh. Watching him in a cipher without spewing should be a stunt on Fear Factor.

New Firefox. Do it.

Oldboy to become a Bollywood musical? There is a God. And he likes to chaw on live octopi.

Scott Stapp and 311 rumble over who gets pole position in the used CD bin.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Dope fiend, crack fiend, eyewitness news team

The gulliest

If you haven't already,
go buy this dude's Feast or Famine and show some love to an actually-good Philly MC. Pic courtesy of Phillyhiphop, which is apparently back on the block all of a sudden. Oh, and read this interview with Reef. Good shit.

City Paper
EIC Duane Swiercynski (who wins the award for most copied-and-pasted last name ever; seriously, I just C&P'd it from the website) stopped by good ol' Uber Street tonight as part of his "Home Invasion" tour in support of The Wheelman. He read a particularly gruesome chapter from the novel (there was pen-stabbing!), answered a bunch of questions and was a good sport in general. Thanks! There was also much beer drinking, beer hiding, pizza eating, antacid taking, lame edited copy of Dead Alive watching, Collegian bonding, drunken cat-napping and "networking." Thanks to all that came out. Oh, go buy Duane's book, too.

It's not like my
Feeding Frenzy column is really relevant to anything, but I found the whole Silk City debacle to be really hilarious. Watch out for angry hipsters with butterfly knives in their shoulder holsters. You know, from a macro standpoint, that's just sound advice in general.

"Mythbusters Team Struck Down By Zeus."

Good news:
Emynd is officially on the roster over at Free Darko, the Amare Stoudemire of NBA blogs (not because they're out for the year...egh, too soon?). Congratulations, man. I'm looking forward to reading some epic posts about how Michael Doleac's 15-footer is racist.

Lots of Gary news this week:

Gary Glitter arrested for sexual crimes with children. Again. Check the quote: "I hate the name Gary Glitter," he reportedly said after being caught at Tan Son Nhat airport by an immigration officer who had remembered articles about the former singer. "It is too famous. Because of it, I draw so much attention." I think it's less the name and more the fact that you're suspected of having sex with underaged girls. I hope they don't boycott "Rock & Roll (Part 1&2) " from sporting events, because it would inevitably lead to an increase in the "What I Like About You" play count, and that is not a real song. Well, RRP1&2 isn't real, either. "We Will Rock You" definitely is, though.

La Salle basketball pariah/streaky shooter
Gary Neal is now playing for Towson, the university that 200 percent of my high school class attends. Dude is twisted. He was in one of Michelle's classes a few years back and she said all he did was sit in the back and make spaceship noises while the teacher lectured. Better than sexual assault, I suppose.

Gary Payton pulls a Cam'ron, puts his Bentley on eBay. The only problem is that dude got "GP" embroidered onto the seats, so (I think) buyers should be limited to said initials. Qualified purchasers, so far (and screw your idea to just get new seats, it's completely illogical):

George Perrier

Gary Player

Shadowmancer author/creepy reverend GP Taylor

Wow, you're really in good company, Glove! Best of luck with getting rid of that piece of shit.

Speaking of, Cam'ron freestyle from Rap City's halcyon days. Never thought I'd miss Tigger. Sigh. Uh, still fast forward through his rap, though.

Nas and Premier together? Ooh...

Busta Rhymes chops all his hair off as a publicity stunt to promote his latest Swizzy-produced single. I never really felt one way or another about Busta, but I've noticed that Tony Hawk manages to namedrop him as his favorite rapper pretty much every chance he gets. Weird.

Bow Wow airs out Will Smith in XXL: "He was more like a gimmick. Then he zapped in to get a TV show, and it was on and poppin’. Then after that he was in Hollywood. So things came easy for him. With me, I’m a rapper. I ain’t with the whole colorful cornball type things. That’s just not my style.” For confirmation, see here, here and here.

Great Michael Kinsler op-ed piece:
"The phony war against the critics."

Dude gets arrested for
serial Lego theft. What a blockhead! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some self-mutilation to do.