Saturday, September 24, 2005

Rileynited and it feels so hood


Riley is obviously pleased as punch to see me...


...and he's happy to see Cleo too. HADOKEN!

I haven't really had any motivation to post anything lately because I was pretty depressed about the mysterious disappearance of Riley the cat. He had been missing since the 14th and despite my best efforts I couldn't find the bastard. I put up posters, talked to all my neighbors and even developed a harebrained conspiracy theory more unrealistic than the Guy Fawkes plot. Luckily, the black knight hath returned, and I feel wonderful. I have a lot of things to say about this particularly stressful 10-day period of my life, things that are probably best expressed in ITEMIZED LIST FORM:

- Honestly, I was starting to lose hope last night. I got Lager intoxicated (a strange, I'm-not-drunk-wait-now-that-I-think-about-it-I'm-wasted feeling) and began planning my period of mourning, which would involve me wearing all black to signify the color of Riley's fur and consuming only Nine Lives brand wet food to signify Riley's culinary proclivities. Lou found him earlier this morning sitting in the bushes outside our house, wimpy-meowing like the sheltered biatch he be. I am eternally grateful for the reacquisition for the following reasons: 1. I love Riley; 2. I don't have any black clothing other than a polo and a t-shirt from my high school's production of
Clue: The Musical (I played Mr. Green); 3. I don't think liver and bacon go well together.

- Weird coincidence clairvoyance: For two nights in a row, Michelle had a dream that Riley was found under a bush. Whoa mind power abilities. Michelle is currently in talks for a one-hour supernatural drama on the WB titled ESPsky: The Psychic Polock.

- The always-insightful Faz suggested that Riley was probably not going to return based on his status as a "free spirit." I thought about it and found myself totally agreeing; considering the limited freedoms of the feline lifestyle, I'm not surprised that Riley rebelled and went to sow his wild oats. He got over it though, just as I got over my adolescent angst, my propensity towards wearing Nautica and my obsession with Nine Inch Nails. Beautiful.


- To anyone unfairly targeted or unwillfully employed by my ridiculous conspiracy theory: my bad. I'm a sketchball huh?


- What the hell was Riley doing for 10 days, anyway? He looks skinny as shit so he was probably not eating all that much. Maybe he was trash can scavenging whilst making witty commentary like the raccoons in
The Great Outdoors. Who knows? I bet he dry-humped a lot of girl cats too.

- To all the stupid assholes who ripped down my "Missing Cat" posters for no reason: I pity you. I know that you were probably just trying to impress some sorority whores with your
off-the-cuff machismo, but just take a step back and look at yourself. You're tearing apart someone's MISSING CAT SIGN. You cannot sink any lower than that. This act of scumbaggery is even more depraved than taking someone else's delivery food or prefacing racist comments with the phrase "I have plenty of black friends." Fuckheads.

- Cake, the "humor" section of the
Collegian that other Drew does, might feature a photo retrospective of Riley's adventures this week. Proposed ideas include pictures of him windsurfing, performing open heart surgery, running with the bulls in Pamplona and possibly anthracite coal mining.

- A friend mentioned that he spoke to a certain evil ex-roommate of mine who somehow got the impression that I lost Riley on purpose. Then, the vile, ungodly succubus suggested that she wanted to "hit me with her car" as a punishment for my carelessness. I pray to Allah that she is reading this right now, because I wanted to clarify a few things. First, I didn't lose Riley on purpose; he inadvertantly got out. Second, you're a heinous bitch. Third, you're too terrible of a driver to hit me with your shitty-ass Volkswagen (also, you refuse to drive on highways because you're a retard). Fourth, your boyfriend looks like a douchebag. Fifth, fuck you. Sixth, I think it's sick and disturbing that you have a shrine to Riley in your apartment, because he was never your cat to begin with; you need to get some friends. Seventh, you're a heinous bitch. Okay, I'm repeating myself. Fuck you though, trick.
If it's immature to air out one's personal beefs online, I'm more childish than Romeo, Batman and LDB (Little Drummer Boy) combined. Also, I appeared in several House Party movies.

- On a less derisive note, Riley's probably got fleas now. Or maybe
chiggers.

Okay, I just spent an entire blog post talking about Riley; I've reached official psycho cat lady status. I'm going to go drink, listen to The Boss and try to convince myself that I'm masculine.


What a great day! I'm a lucky man.

6 comments:

kibby said...

Yay! Riley's back! Congratulations!

Drew said...

YES! Isn't it great?

Anonymous said...

do you prefer cats over dogs? how does sonny feel about all this? jerk.

Drew said...

I like both cats and dogs, but if it came down to it, I'd definitely pick dogs. I was a hardline cat hater up until I started living with some and realized that many are far nicer than their reputations suggest.

Anonymous said...

Ahh I read in the Collegian lil Riley was missing. I'm so glad you found him though! I'm happy for you hun! :)
-Annie

emynd said...

Drew,

Come to the Blue Horeshoe on Friday. I'm DJing Ryan's party thing and will FINALLY hit you off with a copy of Reef's CD. Tell Riley hi!

-e